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Grilled Cheesus

13 Goofy Kitchen Gadgets

“This collection of goofy kitchen gadgets has everything: zombies, sharks, guns that shoot condiments, Ninjabread Men, square eggs, forkchops, a motorized ice cream cone, a Grilled Cheesus …”

“A Grilled Cheesus?”

“You know, that thing when a sandwich press burns an image of Jesus onto your grilled cheese…”

None of the things on Stefon’s impossibly eccentric lists were ever real, but they were almost always hilarious and sometimes, perhaps, a little insulting — not unlike like this improbable list of twisted kitchen gadgets that put fun before form and function.

Ninjabreadmen cookie cutters

Image: Amazon

Ninjabread men cookie cutters

Cut into "Outstanding ninja attack poses", these aren't mere cookies, they're thrilling-ninja-action-in-every-bite Ninjabread Men who won't stop until they've fly-kicked their way to bake sale victory. On a side note, shouldn't these crunchy shinobi have been chocolate-black, like I don't know, every TV and movie ninja ever? Storm Shadow and Jinx don't count.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Ninjabreadmen cookie cutters
Egg cuber

Image: Amazon

Egg cuber

If you’ve always secretly thought your hard-boiled eggs were too, well … egg-shaped, then the Eddingtons egg cuber may well be the kitchen gadget you’ve waited your entire life to own. Simply boil and peel your eggs as you normally would, place in the egg cuber, refrigerate and enjoy your eggs as nature never intended.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Egg cuber
Condiment gun

Image: Amazon

Condiment gun

Have those boring ketchup bottles lost their charm? Load a reusable cartridge with ketchup or mustard and experience the dubious thrill of shooting your hamburger, hotdog or unsuspecting sibling at point-blank range next Fourth of July. C'mon, you know somebody is getting blasted with mustard at that picnic.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Condiment gun
Grilled Cheesus sandwich press

Image: Amazon

Grilled Cheesus sandwich press

Cubed eggs and ballistic condiments are pretty great but the Grilled Cheesus Sandwich Press is so much more. Easily my favorite pick for the most useless but still awesome kitchen gadget, it's hard to imagine how this was conceived (immaculately, I know) let alone manufactured. On the other hand, I bet the grilled cheese sandwiches that come out of this thing are just divine (ba-dum-ch). Brother, have you accepted Cheesus in your life?

Buy it now from Amazon.

Grilled Cheesus sandwich press
Tuff tattoo dish gloves

Image: Walmart

Tattoo kitchen gloves

These are the most hardcore novelty kitchen gloves I (or anyone, really) have ever seen. With a "Wash Hard" rope and anchor on the right hand, a "Dry Young" dagger and heart on the left and T-U-F-F D-I-S-H spelled across your knuckles, you should have no trouble getting some help with the dishes with these babies.

Buy it now from Walmart.

Tuff tattoo dish gloves
Zombie brew biter bottle opener

Image: Amazon

Zombie bottle opener

Unnecessary and gruesome, sure, but I can't think of one good reason to use a stock bottle-opener when you can pry your beer open using a zombie mouth. Enjoy those beers while you can friend, the zombie apocalypse is coming and no one will be safe.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Zombie brew biter bottle opener
Sharky shark fin tea infuser

Image: Amazon

Sharky tea infuser

This mischievous little gadget stirs a bit of dark humor in with your morning tea and is sure to draw a worried comment or two from friends and coworkers. You're (ahem) going to need a bigger cup. Thank you… I'll show myself out.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Sharky shark fin tea infuser
Thermo lenscup insulated tumbler

Image: Amazon

Camera lens thermos

A perfect gift for your photographer friends, this is not. An amusing gag gift for your photographer friend it most certainly is. Fairly well-reviewed, this "conversation piece" makes a convincing camera lens and even more convincing thermos.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Thermo lenscup insulated tumbler
Zombie bottle opener magnet set

Image: Amazon

Zombie bottle opener and magnet set

I bet you thought you were done with zombie bottle openers… Nope. Zombies are everywhere — you can't escape them. I didn't immediately see how this unlucky bastard does his job but he looks like refrigerator fun for sure.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Zombie bottle opener magnet set
Magic wand salt and pepper shakers

Image: Amazon

Magic wand salt and pepper shakers

These magic wands (that also happen to dispense salt and pepper) will have you saying "Sodium Leviosa" as your little princess casts repeated protection spells on all your meals, pets, electronics and shoes.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Magic wand salt and pepper shakers
Forkchops

Image: Amazon

Forkchops

If like many people, you're comically unskilled at using chopsticks but can tear it up like Edward Scissorhands with a fork and knife, then why not combine the worst of both worlds? An extremely long and pointed fork transforms into an ungainly and unbalanced chopstick with just the flip of wrist!

Buy it now from Amazon.

Forkchops
Twirling spaghetti fork

Image: Amazon

Motorized twirling spaghetti fork

Somehow, this isn’t the only motorized silverware on Amazon but it might be the goofiest. I can't stop thinking about the design meeting that must have happened for a motorized twirling spaghetti fork to come into existence. What terrifying tornado of charisma and charm convinced a roomful of adults that forks were primed for disruption? Did the engineers think they were being punked at first? I mean they had to, right? Who needs AA batteries to eat pasta? I like to imagine there was feverish motorized pencil sketching at some point. Perhaps a heated debate on optimal fork rotation speeds? What were the powered fork prototypes like that didn't make it? I have so many questions...

Buy it now from Amazon.

Twirling spaghetti fork
Motorized ice cream cone

Image: Amazon

Motorized ice cream cone

Yes, you read that right. From the twirling fork guys (maybe even from that same landmark meeting), a "cone" that slowly spins ice cream around for your tongue. You know, for those times when you just can’t work yourself up to eating an ice cream cone the old-fashioned way.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Motorized ice cream cone
Motorized ice cream cone patent canvas wrap

Image: Amazon

Motorized ice cream cone patent canvas print

Apparently, you can buy a wrapped canvas print of the patent of that motorized ice cream cone. Incredible. I think I want one.

Buy it now from Amazon.

Motorized ice cream cone patent canvas wrap

Featured image: www.omrgoods.com/Amazon